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On the Border

by Elsyne

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1.
decade 03:10
ten years now, you said we'd last ten years now, thrown away so fast worse and worse, i know its true a friend you were, as far as i knew less and less, i know i meant shouldn't even give you the chance to repent joy is my foe, or so you say but you wont give me the time of day ten years then, that was the past just how you can move on so fast messages of care and all the normal things they were all just lies, now they only sting
2.
stuck 03:22
look, in my mind, and i know what i will find now get out of my head so i can tell you ill be fine stuck in my brain and i haven't a clue about what the fuck i can even say to you days and my nights are nothing but a plague cause from the day i met you i went another way biding time trying to make you see all that i am now the me that i can see i cant say im a fan tomorrow was today or was it yesterday I'm not sure cause my thoughts and consiousness've gone away always occupy every corner of my mind tomorrow will never come when i can't feel time i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck arms length you keep me but I know that's always true I'm not really sure who knows the real you sometimes my words will fall upon deaf ears and every time they do you exacerbate all my fears maybe I don't get you, I don't know who could I tell you to talk to me, but i don't think you would living in a box, my reach only goes so far can't extend more, my day to day is marred I swear you truly hate me, but there's no way that it's true but time and time again the thoughts stick in my head like glue little hints and clues, can't be coincidences I feel like I'm going crazy, many such instances i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck i'm stuck
3.
rumination 03:35
sea of my emotions it never runs dry never feel okay till I'm blazed fuckin high thoughts of suicide rage throughout my head mind repeats until I wish I was dead envy coming forth cause you know it's gotta show blood on my wrists, hope it's never gonna slow rumination rumination rumination rumination Find a way out but I keep coming back Ways that worked before, I try to keep track Grabbing sharp objects on all my days thought I'm done with that, but there's no way give a big hello to all that walk by the smile on my face is all a big lie rumination rumination rumination rumination wake up in my spiral, you all know how it goes will it ever stop, I don't really know I can sleep my pain away, or so i thought every time it shows, it's one I've never fought what will happen next, its really just a blend and as time goes on, maybe it will end rumination x4 you never understand cause all i get is silence and every other day i commit self violence what is empathy, im sure you may ask you are not the first, and probably not the last have to go to others with all my self hate you always say you're sorry, but i bet its all fake again you're not the first, and i hope it doesnt last cause my life's in shambles, and it could go fast really wanna show you what this is all like but I don't know if you could put up a fight build up your defenses for years to come youll never know what's hit you until it's done now you can see my day to day life I can only hope that you survive this plight rumination rumination rumination rumination rumination rumination rumination rumination
4.
overhead 02:10
looming overhead looming overhead looming overhead looming overhead i know its coming but i don't know when i know its coming and ill find out then i know its coming but i don't know when i know its coming and ill find out then i know its coming and i know it's true i know its coming but can i count on you i know its coming and i know it's true i know its coming but can i count on you looming overhead looming overhead looming overhead looming overhead
5.
impatient 01:39
here we go again here we go again slipping up again i got my arm dripping here i go again here i go again oh, my life is running away from me here we go again here we go again brain won't stop when im all alone here i go again there you go again oh, my hope is hiding away from me you don't know what you do to me you won't care, you won't want to see time and time again time and time again gotta stay alive just one more day 'fore i see it end 'fore i see it end oh, just once show who i am to me i dont wanna die i dont wanna die but my brain keeps saying i want to die gotta stay alive gotta stay alive oh, please rush before there is no me
6.
suffer 03:02
i ain't got no light and i ain't got no hope my future is so bleak my life is such a joke you said i got a bad hand it sure as well could be but i dont know of anyone who'd like to be me
7.
when i sleep 02:58
first they throw me 'gainst the wall then they laugh as i fall every hour, every day i can't take my pain away
8.
when i wake 02:49
9.

about

an album i did not anticipate making enough music for to actually finish. unfortunate that i did, in a sense, but fortunate in another.
this album is vastly different from my first, and will likely be the only album i make in this style for a long time, if not the only one i ever make like this.

this details much of my brain over the past three-ish years of my life. from self harm, to suicidal ideation, to countless spirals and mental breakdowns. a raw album in which i speak from the innermost corners of my heart.

i hope you enjoy

credits

released January 1, 2023

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about

Elsyne Sanborn, New York

creating the scenes in my mind

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